Inability to express....
This is a very overdue expression of some feelings I have been feeling for a long time.
When I started college when I was 17 years old, I knew that I was ment to help people in life. Helping people and making other peoples lives easier or better is something that makes me feel good. I think that is part of the reason I am submissive. I like to help....to serve....to make anothers life better and happier. I had a lot of hurt when I was growing up. Some things that happened then still hurt. But, when helping other people, that takes away some of my hurt, little by little, and makes me feel better.
I have come a long way from where I was, but someone that I really care about made me realize I have a long way to go still, after a conversation I had last night with him.
In reality, I am a very outgoing person. To people that know me, if I was to tell them that I am shy, a lot of them would laugh at me and not believe it. There are time thats my shyness can be crippling though...and it is proving as much lately. But, it is true, and very apparant to some people in my life. Especially people that mean a lot to me.
Shortly into my education, and working in the human services field, I began to realize that I really loved working with people, making a difference in other peoples lives. I soon found myself throwing myself into my work, and I loved it. When you can see someones life change because of something that you personally have done, it makes you feel good about yourself. I also began to slowly shut myself down, little by little. When you spend so much time caring about other people, and their feelings, you end up turning yours off. To spend so many hours a day dealing with other peoples problems, it becomes natural to shut down your own feelings, and deal with the feelings of others. So, in some ways my inability to express myself is learned. (Think Pavlov.)
Also, in some areas of my life, such as my romantic feelings for other people, I have a hard time expressing myself because I am scared of getting hurt. Everyone that I have ever loved has hurt me in some fashion...whether it was cheating on me, lying to me....or something of the like. When you get hurt so many times, it makes you wary to put yourself out there ...you can only stitch your heart together so many times.
Now I am in a situation. Figures doesn't it. It is the first time in a really long time that I have had feelings for someone ....and I feel like I can't have them...and I can't talk to him about it either because I am so scared I am going to mess things up between us if I do. I would rather have him as a "surface level friend" then not have him in my life at all. I am the type of person that needs to know where I stand with someone I care about often. I feel like I fell for someone that isn't available, and I am not good enough for....so I find myself stitching my tender heart back together again. The situation is so confusing to me...but yet as much as I tell myself to step away from the situation, I can't because he is one of the only pillars I have in my life right now, and currently...I need that.
The situation is something I have never been exposed to in my life...But, it looks like my inability to express myself is what is going to fuck things up this time. The whole time I am trying to protect myself, and still feel like my heart is broke. I found someone I feel so connected to...Some that his voice makes me feel at ease and safe. When I lay next to him, I fall asleep and sleep through the night.....which I never do. When I don't see him, I worry about him. When I don't talk to him, I want to be. When I do something, I wonder what he will think about it. His opinion means so much to me...it happened so fast that I am scared shitless. I am scared that he would think I am some kind of freak....when I met him I didn't expect it to happen so fast....I didn't expect it to happen at all. Three months is such a short time...but such big things happened in those sweet three months.
When I started college when I was 17 years old, I knew that I was ment to help people in life. Helping people and making other peoples lives easier or better is something that makes me feel good. I think that is part of the reason I am submissive. I like to help....to serve....to make anothers life better and happier. I had a lot of hurt when I was growing up. Some things that happened then still hurt. But, when helping other people, that takes away some of my hurt, little by little, and makes me feel better.
I have come a long way from where I was, but someone that I really care about made me realize I have a long way to go still, after a conversation I had last night with him.
In reality, I am a very outgoing person. To people that know me, if I was to tell them that I am shy, a lot of them would laugh at me and not believe it. There are time thats my shyness can be crippling though...and it is proving as much lately. But, it is true, and very apparant to some people in my life. Especially people that mean a lot to me.
Shortly into my education, and working in the human services field, I began to realize that I really loved working with people, making a difference in other peoples lives. I soon found myself throwing myself into my work, and I loved it. When you can see someones life change because of something that you personally have done, it makes you feel good about yourself. I also began to slowly shut myself down, little by little. When you spend so much time caring about other people, and their feelings, you end up turning yours off. To spend so many hours a day dealing with other peoples problems, it becomes natural to shut down your own feelings, and deal with the feelings of others. So, in some ways my inability to express myself is learned. (Think Pavlov.)
Also, in some areas of my life, such as my romantic feelings for other people, I have a hard time expressing myself because I am scared of getting hurt. Everyone that I have ever loved has hurt me in some fashion...whether it was cheating on me, lying to me....or something of the like. When you get hurt so many times, it makes you wary to put yourself out there ...you can only stitch your heart together so many times.
Now I am in a situation. Figures doesn't it. It is the first time in a really long time that I have had feelings for someone ....and I feel like I can't have them...and I can't talk to him about it either because I am so scared I am going to mess things up between us if I do. I would rather have him as a "surface level friend" then not have him in my life at all. I am the type of person that needs to know where I stand with someone I care about often. I feel like I fell for someone that isn't available, and I am not good enough for....so I find myself stitching my tender heart back together again. The situation is so confusing to me...but yet as much as I tell myself to step away from the situation, I can't because he is one of the only pillars I have in my life right now, and currently...I need that.
The situation is something I have never been exposed to in my life...But, it looks like my inability to express myself is what is going to fuck things up this time. The whole time I am trying to protect myself, and still feel like my heart is broke. I found someone I feel so connected to...Some that his voice makes me feel at ease and safe. When I lay next to him, I fall asleep and sleep through the night.....which I never do. When I don't see him, I worry about him. When I don't talk to him, I want to be. When I do something, I wonder what he will think about it. His opinion means so much to me...it happened so fast that I am scared shitless. I am scared that he would think I am some kind of freak....when I met him I didn't expect it to happen so fast....I didn't expect it to happen at all. Three months is such a short time...but such big things happened in those sweet three months.
posted by Marcia at 10:14 AM
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